VDay Series: A Marathon, Not a Sprint
The WMI’s VDay series features anonymous submissions from writers sharing their perspectives on love, halal dating, and challenges for Muslims living in the West. Views expressed are not necessarily representative of the WMI. Photos by Mim Fatmi.
—
Step 1 of Muslim relationships: get to know the person (kind of).
Step 2: get your parents involved, and pray to God that they approve.
Step 3: get married, move in, and actually get to know the person you’ve committed your life to.
—
I know exactly what it is about those December deep freezes that make people want to find love.
I remember a -20 something day here in the city when I first fell in love. I had only met him in person a handful of times by then, but in between those coffee dates our text exchanges were rolling into one continuous conversation. The “good morning” messages were to be expected by this point. The witty banter was becoming competitive, and the back and forth snaps were almost constant.
In his car that evening, in those hour-long parked-car conversations, we were uncovering some big truths. We tested things out on each other: important parts of our histories, the sore spots, and everything in between. Something was coming to life all around us in that two-door Honda Civic Coupe, and it felt a lot like compatibility. A kind of deep-seated, no-drama, grown-up, compatibility that neither of us were used to. As the engine rumbled on in an effort to keep us warm, we remained blissfully unaware of our greenhouse gas emissions as we talked, laughed, sat in silence, and soaked up that palpable feeling of, “Oh, so this is what I’ve been looking for all along.”
Flash-forward: more car conversations, more coffee dates, one brave soul timidly asking where this is going, awkward family meetings, getting the nikkah paperwork in order, signatures on a lease, plane tickets get booked, the first time you fill out a form as “Mrs,” and surviving a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic together. All your typical early marriage milestones, but add a little bit of spice.
The unbelievable part of it all is: you could still actually like each other. That’s actually where the happy ending lies—not the fact that we made it to the “finish line” of marriage, but that three years out, we’re still friends. I think the biggest success lies in the way we look forward to each other’s company on the 378th night of January in lockdown; the fact that we didn’t rush into the marriage or having a baby before we knew ourselves individually and together; that we both serve as one another’s biggest cheerleaders in all of life’s endeavours, and always have hugs ready when those endeavours don’t work out.
I know that the intrigue and excitement of Muslim relationships often fizzles out once couples cross the wedding threshold, but I genuinely believe that this side of the line is where the magic happens. The feeling of having a co-pilot to fly through life’s adventures with you is pretty spectacular, and the idea of growing old with this person, nurturing your relationship, and creating something beautiful together is pretty darn exciting to me.
—
I understand that the first step of this formula requires a lot—a lot—of faith. We’re talking Olympics level pole jumping-sized leaps of faith. I recognize that you simply can’t ask all the red flag screeners in the world in order to vet someone with 100% certainty. And I completely understand the predicament that if you try to, the person receiving a 500-item questionnaire may be a little freaked out and ghost you then and there, even if they were actually the right person.
Yes, Step 1 is terrifying, risky, vulnerable, and very often results in heartbreak. And yes, Step 2 can be excruciating if parents aren’t on board or make things difficult. But I hope I’ve convinced you that if they truly are The One, they will be worth getting to Step 3 and beyond. You might end up with a lifelong cuddle buddy who will never make you face cold Canadian winters alone again. And if you do things right, you might even end up with a best friend.